Personal Monolouge: It Never Ends

I've been really disappointed lately. Mostly in myself, and the way my life is going. I promised myself that I would be getting down to business; getting shit done, physically take the steps necessary to achieve the things I've sworn to accomplish before my time runs out.

Shit never seems to go right tho, and when it rains, it pours. It's almost too much to deal with. Getting kicked outa college, getting arrested, having to start talking to my father again just so he can take care of this legal shit--just so he can finally do something worthwhile in my life...

Speaking of fathers, I didn't grow up with one, but I never really cared much. After all, who grows up with both parents these days? Fucking wierdos if you ask me. It's not that he wasn't around--nah, me and my sister spent the every other weekend at his house. And for the most part, I was in hell. Because between a messy divorce and me fucking up at the fancy shmancy private school I attended (how could the children of two doctors not attend a private school?), he was always pissed and I was a convenient target. Not like he was around before tho...

Nah, my father was the lyrics in the music I listened to, the stories I read, the depression I felt, the weed I smoked and the liquor I drank. My father was my mother, my mother's boyfriend, my neighbors, my friends.

My father was me and my sister...because that's all we really had.

But lately, with all the trouble that I seem to find myself in, my mother and others "adults" around me seem to believe that having a "father" would have changed everything.

For real, people are so fucking simple minded. I've been different all my life. Shit, i've been on mental medication most of my life so that alone should say something (although maybe that's beginning to be normal these days). But despite the fact that I learned how to fit in anywhere and I can chill with everybody from rich preppy kids to thugged out drug dealers, i've only grown more and more different. My sister and my three best friends are the only ones who get me. They all happen to be really smart kids who have each been through some real crazy shit..

Coincidence? I think not.

I promised myself I'd show the world the things I see in my mind, the things that no one else can see and that made me feel so different growing up. It's the reason I'm an artists, because I've been trying to a a way to express these things. But nothing will ever happen if I don't get off my ass and get focused.

Damn, I should really stop drinking...