Personal Monolouge: It Never Ends

I've been really disappointed lately. Mostly in myself, and the way my life is going. I promised myself that I would be getting down to business; getting shit done, physically take the steps necessary to achieve the things I've sworn to accomplish before my time runs out.

Shit never seems to go right tho, and when it rains, it pours. It's almost too much to deal with. Getting kicked outa college, getting arrested, having to start talking to my father again just so he can take care of this legal shit--just so he can finally do something worthwhile in my life...

Speaking of fathers, I didn't grow up with one, but I never really cared much. After all, who grows up with both parents these days? Fucking wierdos if you ask me. It's not that he wasn't around--nah, me and my sister spent the every other weekend at his house. And for the most part, I was in hell. Because between a messy divorce and me fucking up at the fancy shmancy private school I attended (how could the children of two doctors not attend a private school?), he was always pissed and I was a convenient target. Not like he was around before tho...

Nah, my father was the lyrics in the music I listened to, the stories I read, the depression I felt, the weed I smoked and the liquor I drank. My father was my mother, my mother's boyfriend, my neighbors, my friends.

My father was me and my sister...because that's all we really had.

But lately, with all the trouble that I seem to find myself in, my mother and others "adults" around me seem to believe that having a "father" would have changed everything.

For real, people are so fucking simple minded. I've been different all my life. Shit, i've been on mental medication most of my life so that alone should say something (although maybe that's beginning to be normal these days). But despite the fact that I learned how to fit in anywhere and I can chill with everybody from rich preppy kids to thugged out drug dealers, i've only grown more and more different. My sister and my three best friends are the only ones who get me. They all happen to be really smart kids who have each been through some real crazy shit..

Coincidence? I think not.

I promised myself I'd show the world the things I see in my mind, the things that no one else can see and that made me feel so different growing up. It's the reason I'm an artists, because I've been trying to a a way to express these things. But nothing will ever happen if I don't get off my ass and get focused.

Damn, I should really stop drinking...

Status Report: Booby Traps

The challenge of modernity is to live without illusions and without becoming disillusioned. - Antonio Gramsci

Great. Except...

Living in an age of advertisement, we are perpetually disillusioned. The perfect life is spread before us everyday, but it changes and withers at a touch. - Joseph Priestly

What's real? You can't even tell these days. Special effects look realer than real life while the government repeats the same lies over and over again in attempt to make you believe it.

Believe none of what you hear and half of what you see. Those are the words to live by in the new millennium. Coming up in this age pretty much engraved those words in my mind. It's not hard to see the illusions around us if you stop and look. I think on some level we all know it, even if some choose to pretend that things are exactly as they're told.

It's hard not to become disillusioned these days. To many of us born and raised in these times, we can't remember a time when we weren't disillusioned. I can tell you that personally, I was a goddamn cynical little bastard. But there's mucho danger in disillusionment.

Disillusionment leads to hopelessness, and hopelessness leads to helplessness. You give up. After all, what's the point in trying? You can't change anything anyway.

Except after much reconnaissance and analysis I realized something.

That shit is a trap.

If you think like that you lose your power. Belief and intention are powerful. Everything from the Taoist I Ching to quantum physics points towards it. If you can dream it you can do it, we've been shown that over and over.

It's good to be disillusioned a bit, there's no place for naivety anymore. But don't let it trap you.

Think about it.